To lose your soulmate, your other half
by Nat-loves-the-connors
Summary: When Michelle lost Dean. Written for Yahtzie a.k.a Mikki , who gave me inspiration for this one! Warnings : Death by drink driving! Please do not read if the issues raised will affect you strongly. Rated T for this reason.
1. Chapter 1

_**A/N. Written for Yahtzie, who gave me this idea **____** Just an insight of what may have happened that fateful night Dean was killed in the crash. **_

Michelle sighed and looked at her watch. It was ten past midnight. Liam, Dean and Paul had only gone to watch a boxing match. It wasn't too far away; she thought they'd be back by now. Ryan, her nine year old son, was in bed, fast asleep. He'd had a mini tantrum, begging that he could stay up until daddy got home, but he'd eventually tired himself out.

They should be on their way back now, at least, she hoped. They'd taken the car, so they wouldn't have gone out drinking. Again, she hoped. No. Dean wouldn't do that to her. Or Ryan. He loved them both. That, she was sure of.

" '_Chelle! We're off now, kid" Paul called, heading for the door. Liam was close at his heels. _

"_Where's Dean?" He asked, looking around as if expecting him to suddenly appear. _

"_Right here, lads" He grinned, coming from the kitchen. _

"You having a _bet on the fight with me, D?" Liam asked, grinning cunningly. Dean shook his head. He knew better than to get involved in bets with Liam. Liam turned to Michelle._

"_You've got him under the thumb" He joked. Michelle rolled her eyes_

"_Go on, get going" She laughed. "But be careful!"_

_Paul and Liam rolled _their_ eyes this time, but Dean walked up and slipped his arms around her. _

"_I always am" He whispered, giving her a gentle kiss. Paul and Liam sighed, and pretended to get impatient. "I won't be that late, don't wait up though" He added as an afterthought. _

"_See you later then" Michelle smiled. _

"_Love you" Dean told her. _

"_Love you t-"_

"_Yeah, yeah" Liam cut across her "We all love each other, but I won't love it if we're late, so can we _

_They all laughed and Michelle watched them through the door. She watched them argue about who was driving, who was sitting in the front and then they were off. She watched them all the way down the road, and then turned away, sighing._

That had been hours ago. She thought that they would be back now. Dean said they wouldn't be too late. She checked her phone for the umpteenth time, just incase she'd missed a text or a call. Nothing. Of course, she'd ring them, if it weren't for the fact that all three of their phones were off.

She went to the window and opened the curtains, as if she expected to see them coming down the road. The streets we're empty, ghostly. She didn't like the look, so she shut the curtains. She gently padded upstairs into Ryan's room. He was sleeping soundly, a little hunch in the Manchester city duvet covers. He was city mad, even though he was only nine. She gently ruffled his hair and he mumbled in his sleep and turned over.

She tried Dean, Liam and Pauls' phone one more time, each of the phones rang. And rang. And rang. But they didn't pick up. Michelle sighed and turned over. They were probably just being really giddy and rowdy, so they couldn't hear their phones, she thought to herself...


	2. Chapter 2

_a/n. There's never been much detail about what happened. So, I'm going to twist things a little. I'm going to write as if Michelle lives on the street already, so she still has all of her friends. She still works in the rovers and her parents are now living in Ireland. The Connor brothers work in the factory, and Dean has a share in their business. So everything's pretty much the same, apart from they're all around nine years younger. That's all =] _

Michelle awoke groggily from her sleep. She opened her eyes and stretched, wondering vaguely what time it was. She was just about to close her eyes again, when she felt the tugging of her t-shirt that must have caused her awakening in the first place.

"What's wrong?" She mumbled, turning to face Ryan, who looked as tired as she felt.

"There's someone knocking on our door" He whispered, rubbing his eyes.

She groaned. They must have forgotten to take keys, so now they were waking her up at all hours. What were they playing at? Ryan had school tomorrow!

"Okay, I'm getting up. It's alright darling, you go back to bed. I'll come up in a minute"

Sighing, she got out of bed and trudged wearily down the stairs. It was quiet. She thought she'd hear their voices, loud, giddy with excitement, retelling the story to each other, excitingly recapturing the night they'd had. But she heard nothing. Out of the corner of her eye, she thought she saw something blue, flashing, out of focused due to the frosted landing window. But when she looked again, it had stopped. So maybe she'd imagined it.

She grabbed the keys from the coffee table at the side of the door and fumbled around, twisting them in the lock. She fully expected to see three, cheery, slightly apologetic looking faces looming down on her when she opened the door. However, when her tired hands turned the handle, she was faced with two people she'd never expected to see. Police officers. Their faces looked very sombre. Her heart sank, settling heavily in her stomach, making her feel sick. Had they gotten into trouble? Liam was one for fighting, she knew that.

"Hello, I'm PC Brown and this is PC Rose. Are you Michelle Connor?" One of the officers said, as they both flashed their identity cards at her. They both removed their police hats. Her mouth went dry; she couldn't speak to answer them. Whatever they had come for, it wasn't good news. She couldn't do anything apart from nod her head, and shakily step aside to let them in.

"W...What's happened?" She managed to choke out. They looked at her sympathetically.

"Maybe you should sit down" the woman suggested. Michelle swallowed, and slowly sank into 'Deans' armchair.

"I'm afraid there's been a crash" she told her gently. Michelle closed her eyes.

"How bad are they all hurt?" She whispered.

"You're brothers, Paul and Liam?" She said, questioningly, as Michelle nodded. "They were passengers, they only have minor injuries"

A small part of Michelle was relieved, but fear was bubbling inside her. How come they hadn't mentioned Dean?

"What about Dean?" She gasped.

The police looked at each other for a brief second, before one nodded to the other, urging her to continue.

"I'm so sorry to have to say this, Michelle. Dean was driving the car, he didn't make it"


	3. Chapter 3

"He...He's...He's d...Dead? My Dean?" She sounded as though she was choking on her words.

"I'm so sorry" the other one told her, softly.

"Dean's dead" She repeated, it was more of a statement than a question. She couldn't take it in. She wouldn't take it in. She refused to believe he was gone.

"No" She whispered, over and over. Then she got louder. "No! NO! He's NOT dead! He can't be! He was fine, they were all fine. I'll ring him, he'll answer. Watch!" She pulled the phone from the stand and punched in his number, she held it to her ear, praying. It went straight to voicemail. Her heart sank.

"It'll have just run out of charge, that's all" She said. But as soon as the words were out of her mouth she remembered him going upstairs before he set off to take his phone _off_ charge. She concluded that he must have it switched off. Even though in the back of her mind, she knew what they told her was the truth. She just didn't want to believe it.

"Maybe we could give you a ride to the hospital?"

"No. My son's upstairs" When she said the word 'son', the officers looked a little more pained. The phone attached to the officer suddenly crackled into life. Michelle could barely make out what they were saying, but she picked out her brothers names.

"They're nearly here, your brothers. My colleges was speaking to them about the crash, they're driving them here now"

"Why did they crash?" Michelle said, even though this still felt like a dream. She wasn't crying, because it wasn't real. None of this was happening...

"They went into a tree, it was dark on the roads...And Dean had had a lot to drink, all three of them had"

Anger boiled up inside her. Dean? Drink driving? Never!

"No!" She shouted again "You've made a mistake! My Dean wouldn't drink drive, he wouldn't do this to us, you're lying, I don't know why you're here so just get out!" She was getting hysterical. They didn't look as though they wanted to leave her in that state.

"GET OUT!" She screamed, physically trying to push them away. They tried to calm her down, but it wasn't working. Everything had sunk in now. She was in such a state that she didn't see the other police car pull up. All she knew was that Dean was gone. She slammed the door shut, and leant against it. She stood there for a moment, the emptiness smothering her like a blanket. She let out one torn cry, and then sank to the floor. She curled up there, shaking, tears streaming down her face. Her heart hammered painfully against her chest, it hurt so much that she was sure that it could bruise her. Dean couldn't be gone. She just couldn't lose the person that she loved most in the whole entire world. She let out another heartbroken whimper, her arms wrapped tightly around herself, trying to hold herself together.

That's when someone banged on the door, she could hear muffled voices, and then one clear shout.

"Michelle? Michelle! Open the door, Michelle. Please!" She recognised it at once to be Liam's. She scrambled to her feet and twisted the key in the lock so hard that she twisted her wrist too. Ignoring the stabbing pain, she wrenched the door open. She wanted them to tell her that the police had it all wrong. She wanted them to say they were all alright. However, she took one look at Pauls bruised face, his plastered arm and Liam's stitched cheek and her face crumpled again. Liam held his arms out and she fell into them, clinging onto him.

She could hear him trying to soothe her, stroking her hair and telling her it was alright. But it wasn't alright. How could it ever be alright again?


	4. Chapter 4

Michelle tried to regain some form of control as Paul and Liam tried their best to calm her down. Though Liam had tears running down his face, Paul was trying to hold it together for their sake.

"W-what happened?" She stammered. Paul sighed and sat down.

"We were drinking, Dean didn't seem as smashed as we did, so he was driving us home. I know, 'Chelle, I'm so, so sorry. It all just happened so fast, one minute, we were joking around and singing along to the radio....Next thing I knew, we were wrapped around a tree. I looked over at Dean, his eyes...you could see he was dead, they were-"

"Alright, stop it! STOP IT!" She screamed, fresh tears spilling from her eyes. Paul rubbed her shoulder, apologising over and over. Liam held her tightly, letting his own tears drip into her hair.

"Mummy...?" Michelle looked around startled. Ryan looked confused, upset and scared at the same time. Her heart crumbled even more, if that was possible.

"Rye" She sobbed, wiping her eyes. She got up off Liam, and tapped the seat next to her. "Come here a minute, sweetie"

Paul gestured to Liam to leave them alone for a while. They got up and made their way into the kitchen, closing the door behind them. Ryan climbed up onto the sofa, and stared up at Michelle expectantly. She took a breath and then opened her mouth, but no words came out.

"Why are you crying?" He asked, almost fearfully. Michelle wiped her face again and then took his little hand in her own.

"I told you how Daddy, Uncle Paul and Uncle Liam went to see that boxing match today, didn't I?" She said, her voice shaking. Ryan nodded, still looking confused.

"Well, something happened sweetie...the car...daddy..." She sighed, there was no point in trying to make it sound easier for him. Dean had been drink-driving, and the thought not only broke her heart all over again, but made her angry too. She didn't know how she was going to tell Ryan. But she knew he deserved the truth.

"Well, daddy had too much to drink a-and he crashed the car..."

Ryan looked down at the floor, expressionless.

"But Uncle Paul and Uncle Liam are okay, where's daddy?" He asked. Michelle tried to hold her sob in, but once she let it out, another one followed. She took another huge breath and tried to focus, Ryan looked even more scared.

"They couldn't make him better Ryan...He...he died, baby"

Tears pooled in his round, shocked eyes. His breathing quickened.

"Ryan?" Michelle asked, shakily. "Come here" She held out her arms and he leant into her, his shoulders shaking. She wrapped her arms around him tightly and hid the tears that fell from her eyes.

"Daddy's not coming back?" He mumbled against her, tearfully.

"I'm sorry, baby" She sobbed, stroking his hair. He snuffled into her, crying, which only made Michelle cry harder too. How was he going to get through this when she couldn't even control herself? She felt two arms go around her, and sensed that Paul had come back into the kitchen. Liam had inched towards Ryan, who was pressed against Michelle. He placed his hand on his small, shaking shoulder rubbed soothing circles on his back.


	5. Chapter 5

It was half three in the morning. Ryan was still snuffling in the uneasy sleep he'd fallen into, curled up on Michelle.

"Here" Paul said softly, handing Michelle a cup. She drank the tea slowly, her teeth clinking on the china. How long had she been cold? Liam noticed her shivering and grabbed the blanket from the back of the sofa, he wrapped it around her shoulders and around Ryan.

"Maybe you should try and sleep, 'Chelle?" He suggested.

"I don't think I can" Her voice was slightly raw, as if she was suffering from a sore throat.

"Want me to take Ryan up and get him settled?" Paul offered. Michelle shook her head.

"I don't want to wake him up yet, besides, I'm going to let him stay with me tonight" She sniffed.

She closed her eyes and breathed deeply, she was in shock still. She felt like it wasn't real. She felt like she could go back to bed and wake up tomorrow, still believing that Dean would be alive. She'd expect him to be downstairs, making breakfast. It was this reason she couldn't stand to go to bed. She didn't want to be dreaming blissfully, then having to wake up and remember. She glanced down at Ryan, and her heart sank when she realised this is exactly what he was going to have to go through when he finally woke up.

She suddenly wanted to see Dean. She felt she needed to see him for it to sink properly. When she told this to Liam, he looked to Paul worriedly, but Paul nodded.

"We'll take you later on, when you've had some sleep. I don't want you going in their when you're overtired. It's going to be a shocking ordeal 'Chelle, and you need to be fully rested"

She didn't like him acting her dad, but she understood what she was saying. If she didn't go in the right state of mind then she might do something she'd regret. Besides, they needed someone to look after Ryan, and she didn't think they would take too kindly to being disturbed and quarter to four in the morning.

"Come on, let me get you settled, you can at least try to get a little bit of sleep" Liam said, gently tugging the blanket from her, she didn't move. It wasn't until Liam gently took Ryan into his arms that she stood up.

"No, let me have him" She whispered, holding her arms out. Liam nodded and handed him back over to her. She secured him safely in her arms and carried him upstairs. Liam followed behind her, ready to steady her if she stumbled and making sure she got into her room safely. He went to hold Ryan's door open for her but she shook her head when she saw him heading for Ryan's room. Liam understood, and went to hold open her door instead. He went in and threw the covers back so Michelle could place Ryan in the middle.

When she put him down he tossed and turned, murmuring n his sleep, as though searching for something. She got in next to him and she shuffled up, resting her. He draped one arm over her and his 'searching' stopped immediately. Michelle stoked his hair, he had just been searching for comfort.

Liam leant down and kissed Michelle's head, and then Ryan's.

"I'm sorry" He whispered. Michelle closed her eyes, and took his hand. She didn't want to cry against having only just stopped. She didn't want to wake Ryan up, either. He needed his rest more than she did. Though, having thought that, Michelle realised how exhausted she really was. It had been a long, horrific day, and she wanted nothing more than a few hours away from it all. A few hours where she couldn't feel the tight squeezing in her stomach or the painful pounding that was punching a hole, that only got deeper and more agonising, in her chest.


	6. Chapter 6

Sun was streaming through the gap in the curtains. It was a warm day. Outside cars could be heard going up and down the street. The sounds of laughing and people mowing their lawn were leaking in through the open window. Just like any ordinary day...

Michelle stirred from her uneasy sleep. She had managed to get maybe two hours if that. Rubbing her eyes, she looked down at Ryan, who was curled up against her, looking too warm. She didn't want to wake him up. She didn't want him to have to remember. Remembering was even more painful than it had been last night. The stabbing tore through her chest again, her heart hammering agonizingly in her chest.

"Michelle?" Liam opened the door slowly, peering round. When he saw she was awake, he walked fully into the room. He was carrying in a tray with toast for them both, a coffee for Michelle, and an orange juice for Ryan. He set them down on the bedside table and kissed her head. She closed her eyes to stop the tears, but they spilled from under her eyelids anyway.

"Come on, sis" He soothed, stroking her hair.

"I need to see him" She whispered hoarsely. Liam nodded and told her he'd wait until she got ready.

"Maria will take care of Ryan" He said, before closing the door.

She looked down at her sleeping son and stroked his hair gently. He stirred slightly and his eyelids fluttered.

"Morning baby" She whispered, sadly. She watched as the sadness crept back into his eyes, he didn't answer her.

"Mummy has to do something important; will you be okay if Maria looks after you?" She asked him. He nodded, expressionless.

"I can stay if you want?" She said. Maybe leaving him today was too soon. However, he shook his head.

"I'll be okay" He mumbled.

"My brave boy" She smiled, leaning down to kiss his cheek.

She looked to the floor and saw some clothes that were strewn around that she had meant to put in the wash basket. She grabbed the first two items within her reach and threw them on carelessly.

"What do you want to wear today? Choose anything you like" Michelle said, holding out her hand. Ryan took it and she helped him out of bed. Together, they walked across the landing and into Ryan's bedroom. The bed was made and the room was quite tidy, apart from a few toy cars littering the carpet. She opened his wardrobe and glanced in. She knew he wouldn't care what he was wearing any more that she cared what she was wearing. Never the less, she selected his favourite Mr. Men T-shirt and his green combat trousers. He got dressed obediently and then remained worryingly silent. Michelle wondered if she should go after all. She knelt down in front of him.

"Are you sure it's okay for me to go?" She asked him. He nodded again.

"Ryan talk to me, please" She pleaded.

"You can go" He said after a long pause. She sighed and ruffled his hair, just as the door opened.


	7. Chapter 7

Liam came into view. He saw Ryan and offered him a sympathetic smile.

"Eyup mate" He said, holding his arms out. Michelle frowned when Ryan darted over and hugged Liam. He'd been utterly unresponsive with her.

"Listen, Maria's going to look after you for a little bit today. She says that you can play on the playstation if you want. We've got you a new game"

"Yeah!" Ryan grinned enthusiastically.

"Go on down to Uncle Paul then, he's got you some breakfast" He said, ruffling his hair. Ryan darted out of the room without a backwards glance. Liam walked over to Michelle, who was sat on the bed.

"It's a lot for him to take in, 'Chelle. It probably hasn't even hit him properly yet. How're you?"

"I feel like it hasn't hit me yet. How can he be gone?" She whispered, tearfully. Liam placed his arm around her, comfortingly.

"Come on, kid" He murmured, stroking her hair. "Let's get you downstairs and then we can get off, if that's what you want."

"Yeah" She said. "I need to see him" Then she looked a little fearful and turned to Liam. "Does he look bad?"

"I honestly don't know, 'Chelle. I barely remember a thing...I was drunk and we were just singing and then...well it's a blank. I'm conscious and everything, but it's all in muddled bits. I can just see flashing lights and then a jolty ride and then I was in hospital, they were stitching my cheek and telling me that...Dean didn't make it" He swallowed hard.

The stabbing pain in her chest was starting up again, the bruising banging of her heart getting more painful.

"Michelle?"

She hadn't realised her face was screwed up tight against the pain.

"I'm fine" She whispered.

"Come on, let's get you down and then you can have some breakfast and we'll go to the hospital"

They walked downstairs where Ryan, Paul and Maria were sat at the table. Ryan was eating coco pops half-heartedly and Maria and Paul were drinking coffee. As soon as Michelle came into view Maria stood up and hugged her gently.

"I'm so sorry" She whispered. Michelle smiled at her but her eyes sparkled with tears. She didn't want Ryan to see her crying, so she blinked them back quickly and took a seat. Paul placed coffee and toast in front of Michelle and stroked her hair.

"Here you go, kid. Get that down you"

Michelle couldn't get anything down at all. Her stomach was too mixed up, it was fluttering and churning and just the thought of food made her want to throw up. She took one apathetic sip of the coffee and then placed it back down again, sighing.

"Do you want something stronger in that?" Paul asked. Liam shook his head at him, appalled. How could he offer her alcohol at this time? But she nodded and got up to get it herself. They always kept the brandy high in the cupboards so Ryan couldn't mistakenly drink it. She got the bottle down and poured half of her coffee down the sink, topping it up with the amber-brown liquid.

"Michelle, I don't think that's a good idea" Liam warned. She didn't even look back but drank deeply. The burn of it seemed to ease the stabs of pain in her chest.

"Maria, can you take Ryan now?" Liam asked, nodding towards Michelle- he didn't want Ryan to see her if she created a scene.

"Sure. Come on, mate" She said, offering her hand. He took it and she led him out of the door, talking about the new game they had for him.


	8. Chapter 8

Michelle finished her coffee quickly. The cold brandy had cooled down the steaming drink considerably. As soon as the burn of the brandy had worn off, the stabbing pain in her chest made itself known again. She got out a glass and poured herself another large measure.

"Michelle!" Liam called over to her, willing her to stop drinking. She ignored him.

"Paul stop her" He hissed, outraged.

"I will if she pours another one" He said.

She was in some sort of frenzy; the drink was making her head cloudy. This was a good thing; it meant she couldn't remember anything. She couldn't remember how to feel pain. She was going to have just a little more, when she felt someone trying to tug the bottle from her hands. She held onto it tight.

"Michelle, let go, come on" Paul said gently, trying to coax her to let go. She raised the bottle to her lips again. It really was a strong drink. She shouldn't be drinking it in large amounts like this. Realisation of what she was doing, and the cause of Dean's death suddenly dawned upon her. She tried to close her throat mid swallow and choked.

The bottle fell to the floor and smashed, spraying her with its contents and splinters of glass. She leant over the sink, coughing and spluttering, hot tears streaming down her cheeks.

"It's alright Michelle, it's okay" Liam said, patting her back gently. Her stomach heaved and she regurgitated all that she had drunk down the sink. It burned on the way down, but burned twice as bad when it was coming back up. Liam held her hair back and rubbed circles on her back, glaring at Paul. He mouthed 'Sorry' at him, then went to the fridge and poured her a glass of orange juice instead.

Michelle groaned and stumbled away from the sink. Paul handed her the juice and she drained it, feeling it stop the burn in her throat. She was shivering now, so Liam got her jacket from the side and helped her into it.

"Maybe you shouldn't go to the hospital today" Paul said, concerned.

"No! I have to go...It's the only way I'm going to believe it" she croaked.

"I'll get the car started" Paul said, Liam looked at him and offered to drive. Paul declined and told him to help Michelle. Of course, they'd taken Deans car last night, not Pauls.

"Here sis" Liam said, handing Michelle her bag. He put his arm around her and lead her outside. Everything looked so ordinary. Just an ordinary Tuesday and people going on about their lives. It hurt to see everyone so painlessly oblivious to the heartbreak. That should have been her this morning. Dean should have come back last night, she should have woken up to find him sleeping next to her. She would have gotten Ryan ready for school and Paul would have dropped him off and then she'd have had a cuddle with Dean before they both had to get ready for work.

She felt a hand wipe the tears she hadn't realised were falling. Liam sat in the back with her, holding her hand as they drove down the road. They passed Ryan's school. She saw all the children in the playground, running around and laughing. She closed her eyes. Ryan should have been there. He was so young, he should be carefree, he shouldn't have to suffer this at his age. There was a tiny piece of her mind that was still hoping that he'd be okay. Maybe he was just really badly hurt and needed a lot of time to recover. Maybe they could do something to save him? She knew this really wasn't so. He was gone forever. Dean wasn't coming back.


	9. Chapter 9

The smell of the hospital was stomach churning. The sting of disinfectant burned her nose, and the noise was overwhelming. Old people coughing, babies and toddlers crying, someone in a far cubicle moaning in pain and the nurses walking around with big happy smiles on their faces. How could they be happy when they were working in an environment so dire?

Of course, in reality, hospitals are sometimes happy places. She thought back to the last time she'd been here, giving birth to her son. Yes, she was a little young, but nothing on earth could make her give up her baby and she loved every second of being a mum. The memory brought back another stab of pain as she remembered Dean by her side, holding her hand and reminding her that at the end of it all they'd have their beautiful baby.

It was only when Liam took her hand that she broke out of her reverie and realised that Paul had spoken to reception. There was a nurse waiting to lead them the way. Liam and Paul both put their arms around her and guided her along the corridors. She peered into the wards along the way. Most people were either sleeping, reading the paper, watching telly or sat chatting to each other. No one looked seriously ill. If she hadn't been here on such horrific circumstances, this would have seemed natural. However, the nature of her visit made everything feel wrong. She didn't expect people to be happy or capable of getting on with ordinary every day activities. This was a hospital, not a social event.

It was a different atmosphere when they got down the far end of the hospital, where she knew Deans' body would be. It was silent here, the doctors were glum. They even walked slowly and silently, as if they were trying to keep the deceased in peace. Michelle wondered why they felt the need to be so quiet. They weren't exactly going to wake the dead were they? She wished they could. Well, just her Dean. She wanted it so bad that she found herself making silly promises and compromises in her head. Things such as if she could get to the hospital cleaning cart in less than ten steps then Dean would be okay. In her head she promised she'd never touch a drop of alcohol again, if they could make him better. If she could count backwards from fifty by the time they'd reached the door, then Dean would be alive. If...She shook her head. These thoughts were beginning to overtake her mind. She knew that no matter how many promises she made that Dean was dead and there was nothing anyone could do about it.

She was trying not to cry, she didn't want to get upset. She got angry instead. Her head was swimming with menacing thoughts. She blamed herself for letting him out. Why didn't she just demand he had a night in with her and Ryan? Then she remembered he'd been looking forward to it for weeks. She blamed Paul and Liam, why did they let Dean drive them back? Why did they let their designated driver drink? Then she realised that if Dean wasn't driving, she'd have lost either Paul or Liam. Then she blamed Dean. Idiotic reckless Dean, who knew how much she needed him, how much Ryan needed him, and he'd gone and got himself wrapped around a tree. Then she remembered she loved him, and no matter what he had done, she could never ever be mad at him. Not when he'd paid the price so horrifically. She couldn't be logic about Dean's behaviour because she was madly in love with him. No matter what anyone said, she'd always see his best side, all his good qualities.


	10. Chapter 10

She felt a tug and realised she'd stopped. Wait, how had they got to that dreaded door so soon? Michelle took a hesitant step backwards.

"Michelle? It's okay kid, you don't have to go in" Paul assured her. She shook her head and swallowed. She had to see him.

As soon as the door was open the smell hit them, it was overpoweringly sweet with a hint of disinfectant. The room was freezing, Michelle could see her breath as she breathed. There was a long metal table and a sheet. A sheet that was risen up, concealing the presence beneath.

"Are you sure you want to see this?" The Doctor asked, taking the corner between his finger and thumb. Michelle wasn't able to speak, so she nodded. She felt Liam grip her hand tighter, and took a deep breath.

She exhaled slowly as the sheet was pulled back. At first, she felt nothing. It was Dean! He looked like he was sleeping. He had a few bruises on his face and a single cut to his head. But he was just sleeping! Just...Sleeping...

She took a step forward, taking a closer look. He was paler than she remembered, his lips had a faint blue tinge and his eyelids were tinted purple. But he was just cold right? Cold in his sleep...

She reached out slowly and touched his cheek. That's when the horror flooded through her, she was way too close and he _was _dead. His skin was tight and sunken, he had no blood flowing from the cut on his head. He was scarily stiff, like a dummy and ice cold.

As soon as she'd touched him a high-pitched, ear piercing wail had ripped around the room, echoing off the walls. It didn't stop, the heart broken cry that wouldn't ease. It bounced from the walls and made her ears ring. The sound drilled into her skull, it went through her like nails on a blackboard.

That's when she felt two arms go around her, shaking her and pulling her. She hoped that the sound would stop soon, it was making her head pound. She could hear voices in the background, they were trying to shout over the harsh noise that was enveloping the room.

She felt like she was running out of air. Why couldn't she breathe in? Why were these arms pulling at her desperately? She caught a glimpse of her reflection in the metal table. Her face was contorted into some form of extreme agony, her eyes wide. That's when she realised...the scream was coming from her own mouth.

"Michelle? Michelle! Calm down!" Liam pleaded, still tugging at her. She turned away, ready to run. She wanted to run right out of the room, right out of the hospital. She wanted her own bed in her own house with her Dean! She turned and made a movement as if she was about to run. She didn't run. She stumbled forward into Pauls out stretched arms as her legs gave way and she collapsed, in hysterics. He picked her up and carried her out of the room, his arms tight around her. He sat down and he and Liam attempted to calm her down again.


	11. Chapter 11

She tried to swallow her sobs in an attempt to calm down, but one kept breaking over another until she was struggling to breathe.

"Shh, shh. Come on kid, it'll be okay" Paul soothed, stroking her hair. Michelle took gulps of air, making up for the oxygen she hadn't been able to take in. Her arms and legs felt too heavy, like they were made of lead.

"She's tiring out" She heard Liam whisper to Paul. She wanted to tell them she was fine, and that she wanted to go home, but she didn't have the energy. She let her head drop against Paul and felt her eyelids drooping against her will. She tried to fight it, she didn't want to sleep and forget only to have to wake up and remember.

She barely remembered getting home. She remembered the cool air hitting her as Paul carried her out of the hospital and then the slam of the car door which had made her jump a little. The next thing she knew was that she was somewhere comfy and soft, and covers had been placed over her . She couldn't even be bothered to work out where she was and how she'd got there because her body was too exhausted. She turned onto her side and nestled down, letting sleep drown her.

"Shh, no, mummy's asleep" Liam's voice sounded very distant.

"No I want to see her" Ryan wailed.

"She'll be awake soon, why don't you watch telly and wait a bit longer?"

"No!" Ryan's voice was getting teary now. Michelle rubbed her eyes and glanced wearily around the room. Liam and Ryan were stood behind the door which was open a fraction. She swallowed and tried to find her voice.

"R...Rye..." She tried to call, but her voice came out not much louder than a whisper. The bedroom door swung open and Ryan flew in, throwing himself onto the bed. She pulled back the covers and he wriggled under. He looked at her, carefully.

"You've been crying a lot" He said.

"I'm just tired" She mumbled.

"You're eyes are all red"

"I'm tired" She repeated, not knowing what to tell him. He put his finger under her eye and ran it down to her chin.

"You've got lines running down your face. Are you crying because Daddy isn't coming back?"

Her eyes filled with tears again and she didn't speak, trying her best to hold herself together.

"He's going to come back" Ryan stated. She couldn't stop the tears spilling down her cheeks this time.

"Aw, Ryan. He can't come back, baby" She whispered.

"Yes he can. He came back to me last night. He said that we can do whatever we want and we'll always be back in time for the morning. He said that I just couldn't see him in the day anymore"

More tears flowed down her face. Of course he'd dream about his dad. She was glad that it wasn't painful for him to remember his dad. She put her arms around him and he shuffled up, nestling into her.

"Maria said I can go around and play whenever I want" He said. Michelle smiled.

"Were you good, then?"

"As gold" He yawned.

"Aw, are you tired baby?" She asked, stroking his hair. He nodded and closed his eyes.

"Come on then, try and get some sleep" She told him.

"Are you going to sleep?" He murmured.

"Yeah, I'm still tired too"

"And you're not going out again?" He asked, looking at her hopefully.

"No, I'm staying right here with you, I promise" She yawned. He reached down, finding her hand and placing his own inside.

"I love you" She whispered, lightly kissing his nose. He smiled slightly and mumbled inaudibly. She knew he'd said it back. She sank back down into the pillows, still exhausted. All she wanted to do now, was forget about Dean laying cold in that horrible room.


	12. Chapter 12

It was Ryan who woke her up, complaining he was hungry. She sat up wearily and glanced around the room. It was full of photos of her and Dean. Some when they were really young, before they had Ryan, others while she was pregnant with Ryan and some with Ryan. Her heart felt like it was made of lead and had sunk down to her stomach. The weight of it made her feel sick, and as soon as she was awake, the fierce ripping in her chest had made itself known again. She groaned and pressed her hand firmly against her chest, trying so lessen the pain and sunk back into her pillow.

"Mum..." Ryan said, wearily. Michelle didn't answer. Her eyes burned with tears and when she tried to blink them away they spilled over, hot on her face. She picked up a photo from the bedside table. It was a recent one. She, Ryan and Dean were on holiday. Michelle was holding hands with Dean, who had Ryan on his shoulders. They were all grinning at the camera which was being held by Liam. It had only been taken a few months back. Dean loved her. He loved Ryan. He promised he'd be back, he'd promised that he'd love them forever, protect them and do anything for them. So why had he gotten behind that wheel, drunk?

Anger was an emotion she rarely felt. She was shocked as to why it was what she felt bubbling up inside her now. He obviously didn't love her enough. He'd not cared about her or Ryan enough to not get himself into such a state if he was driving. All the things he'd promised her were broken. He'd gone. He'd left them to cope. He'd left their only son to grow up without his dad at just nine years old. All because of the fact he couldn't control his drink. She took one last look at the photo, before letting out a scream of rage and hurling it across the room. The glass in the frame shattered all over the floor and the frame splintered.

"I HATE you!" She shouted, trembling with grief and anger.

She didn't know what she was doing, she couldn't see past the image of Dean getting behind the wheel, knowingly. She couldn't seem to see Ryan, who was curled up on the bed looking terrified. She grabbed the other photo's from the table and threw them, too, letting them smash one by one into the opposite wall. She couldn't throw the picture attached to the wall, but her fist swung forward and she punched the glass. It splintered, and cut her, but she didn't feel it. That was when her bedroom door flew open.

"Michelle!" Liam cried, dashing over and catching her around the waist in attempt to stop her from tearing the room apart.

"Let me go!" She sobbed, failing to free herself from his grasp. He couldn't let go of her to see to Ryan, who was crying so he shouted for Paul. He was at the door instantly. He took one look at Ryan and lifted him up, carrying him from the room.

"Michelle, calm down" Liam said, capturing her shoulders.

"I can't...I'm so _mad_ at him" She sobbed. "How could he leave us like this? He promised he'd look after us and he's left us! He didn't even say goodbye"

Liam sighed and hugged her.

"I know, I know. It's okay, kid" He soothed, stroking her hair.

"I hate him" She whispered. She didn't hate him. She loved him with all of her heart. But she was heartbroken, looking for something to blame for the tragedy.


	13. Chapter 13

Liam held up her hand to examine the damage. It didn't look too bad. There was no glass stuck in the cuts, which weren't deep. Just a few shallow scratches across her knuckles. Michelle looked at the chaos she'd created. The floor was covered in hundreds of splinters of glass, most of the photos were scattered on the floor in twisted and broken frames.

"What have I done?" She whimpered.

"It's alright" Liam assured her. "You were upset, you didn't know what you were doing"

"I don't know what came over me...I was so mad...I just felt like everything was his fault"

"It's okay, I understand, 'Chelle" He said, kissing her cheek. "Come downstairs, Ryan will want to know everything's okay now"

She allowed Liam to lift her up so she didn't hurt herself on the glass. He set her down on the landing and she hovered above the stairs.

"He's going to hate me...I must have scared him" She sighed.

"He knows you're upset, Pauls been talking to him too"

Liam urged her forward and she shakily made her way down the stairs. Ryan was sat on the sofa watching television and Paul was in the kitchen, preparing dinner. She made her way to the sofa and sat down next to Ryan. He looked at her expectantly. His eyes were red and Michelle could still see the tracks of his tears down his face. She felt so ashamed of herself, getting into such frenzy in front of her son. She was about to open her mouth to speak when he cut across her.

"You said you hated dad" He said, almost snappily.

"I didn't mean it, I'm sorry" She told him, sincerely.

"You broke all of the photos" He stated. She felt her eyes filling up again. She'd hurt Ryan by saying and doing the things she had.

"I know" She said, tearfully "I didn't mean to...I'm so sorry" A single tear fell down her face.

"It's okay, I know you're upset" He said, shuffling up to her. She wrapped her arms around him and kissed his head. She couldn't believe how brave he was being, he was handling this better than her and it made her feel ashamed.

She still wouldn't eat anything at dinner. She twirled it around her fork and pushed it from side to side of the plate.

"Michelle..." She looked up at the sound of Pauls voice. He gave a very slight nod towards Ryan and raised his eyebrows. Ryan was watching her anxiously, biting his lip. She sighed and took a forkful. Her stomach was still stirred up and just the thought of eating it made it churn, but she couldn't worry Ryan much more. She chewed it for ages, and then couldn't even seem to swallow. In the end she'd had about five mouthfuls before getting up to scrape the rest into the bin.

Walking to the fridge, she opened it and took out a bottle of red wine that had been opened a few nights ago. As she was unscrewing the lid, she felt a hand on her shoulder.

"Don't" Paul said, trying to take it from her. She didn't let it go.

"It's one glass" She protested, grabbing a wine glass from the drainer. He pursed his lips as she filled the glass right to the very brim, so it was almost spilling over.

"You don't need it, Michelle" He told her as she raised it to her lips. She didn't answer, but didn't seem to have trouble swallowing the slightly burning liquid down. It wasn't right, but it made her feel better. And surely just one glass wouldn't hurt?


	14. Chapter 14

"Michelle...I don't want to sound insensitive but maybe it's time to be thinking of the funeral arrangements?" Liam said, sitting down next to her. Michelle shot him a dark look. It was late now, and Ryan was in bed. Michelle just wanted a few minutes relaxing, not thinking about anything. It was going fine until Liam brought the subject up.

"I know 'Chelle, but it needs sorting out sooner rather than later. You need to put him to rest, kid, and say goodbye properly" He said gently.

Michelle raised her glass to her lips and Liam sighed as the 'one glass' of wine had now turned into three.

"What if I don't want to say goodbye?" She whispered, tears forming in her eyes. Liam sighed and took her hand.

"None of us want to say goodbye, kid, but he can't stay there forever, in that cold room. He needs to be at peace and then so will you"

Michelle nodded. She knew he was right. Besides, she hated thinking of Dean alone in that cold room, laying on a cold, hard metal table and under a thin white sheet.

"Okay...Tomorrow then" She sighed, draining the rest of the wine in her glass.

"Don't get any more" Liam said, placing his hand on her arm and stopping her from getting up. "Think of Ryan"

"Yeah, you're right. I've really messed up handling myself in front of him" She sniffed, wiping her eyes.

"Well there's not exactly a handbook, Ryan knows you're upset too"

"I know but I'm trying to get my head around him being gone while trying to look after Ryan at the same time. I want to make sure he's okay but I can't even seem to pull myself together. I'm trying not to upset him even more but I can't do it and...I...I just don't know what to do!" She sobbed, leaning against him.

"Shh, shh. It'll be okay, 'Chelle. I promise you everything's going to be alright" He mumbled, stroking her hair. "I'm here for you, Paul's here for you, Maria's here for you and mum and dad will be flying over soon".

She continued to sob against him, wondering whether she'd ever find the will to stop. All she wanted to do was curl up in a ball and hide away from everyone. She wanted to stop the pain too. She felt as though she could literally feel her heart breaking. Small pieces of it ripping and settling in her stomach, the pain in her chest as though someone was repeatedly punching her.

Finally calming down enough to regain some form of composure, she sat up.

"What do I do, Liam?" She sighed, wiping her eyes.

"I'll tell you what you're going to do" Liam said, kissing her cheek. "You're going to go upstairs and have a nice long, hot bath, you're going to get into bed and then I'm going to bring you a warm drink up and you're going to relax"

Michelle gave him a tearful smile. It sounded as though it was exactly what she wanted to do right now.

"Thanks" She said, giving him a hug before going upstairs.


	15. Chapter 15

The bath seemed to help her a lot. It was hard to think of anything in the calming water, surrounded by lavender scented bubbles. She sank lower, letting the rushing sound of water fill her ears. It filled her mind too, so that everything else was blocked out. The heat of the water dulled the pain in her chest, until she couldn't feel it anymore. It made her numb, she couldn't feel the pain.

It was a comfort to escape the reality of it all, just half an hour of time where the heavy weight in her stomach was lifted and the tears couldn't sting in her eyes and burn down her face. She felt her eyes grow tired and heavy, she couldn't be bothered to fight it, so she let her eyelids droop...

_She was walking down a familiar hospital corridor and came to a familiar room. The room was dark, cold and filled with a sweet scent that was almost sickly. The air was heavy with grief and she glanced around, spotting the metal tables on wheels. There were loads now, and she panicked. How could she ever find which one was Dean?_

"_Michelle!"_

_She turned her head. Dean was there! He was stood at the other end of the room, waving to her._

"_I've been waiting for you, I miss you" He told her._

"_I miss you too...Why did you leave us?" She asked him, sadly. _

"_But I'm right here...Come on" He turned and started walking away. _

"_No Dean wait!" She cried, frantically. She tried to run to him but had to wind her way through all the tables of bodies. Dean wasn't slowing down either, she was going to lose him. She tried calling out to him but he couldn't hear her, he didn't turn around. Desperate to get to him, she sped up, failing to take any notice of the other tables around her. She tripped over and banged into one, knocking herself to the floor. The table jolted and tipped and the body fell off. She screamed, but was cut off when the sheet clad corpse fell on her. She was trapped underneath, the dead weight crushing her. Her screams were muffled against the sheet and she couldn't breathe, it was suffocating her. She kicked and struggled but it wouldn't budge and she was desperately running out of oxygen..._

Michelle sat up rapidly, coughing and spluttering, sending the bathwater slopping over the edge. She leant over the side as the soapy lavender water streamed from her nose and mouth, preventing her from taking in any air.

Liam banged on the door.

"Michelle! Are you okay? Open the door!"

The water flow of water finally stopped and she climbed out of the bath, gasping for air. She snatched her bathrobe from the hook and threw around herself before tugging at the lock and wrenching the door open. She flung herself straight into Liam's arms and clung onto him.

"What's happened? Are you alright?" He asked, concerned.

"I fell asleep...I was dreaming" She spluttered, shuddering. She told Liam about the dream and he put an arm around her, protectively.

"It was just a dream, 'Chelle" He reassured her, leading her back into her room "Don't worry about it, you're alright"

She nodded and he told her he would make her a drink while she got changed. She threw on a pair of pyjama shorts and one of Deans t-shirts and climbed into bed. She took a deep, slightly shaky breath and glanced towards the door. Ryan was peering around, looking at her. She peeled back the blanket and tapped the bed. He shuffled in and climbed up next to her.

"Can't sleep?" She asked him. He nodded.

"I don't like it on my own anymore, I'm scared I'll wake up and everyone else will be gone" He said, moving up.

"Aw, Rye." Michelle sighed, putting her arms around him. "I'm always, always going to be here for you I promise"

"Even when I'm naughty?" He asked. Michelle smiled.

"I love you no matter what" She said, kissing his cheek.

He relaxed against her and closed his eyes. Michelle stroked his hair gently, feeling a lot better now that she was being the mum she felt she should've been today.


End file.
